The Work of the Journey

“Did you really think you can change your way of life by an intellectual desire?” – Ama Ma

I must have at least a dozen little processes tucked away, that in theory, will help dissolve suffering.

But, (that word really pisses me off sometimes.) I don’t engage them in the moments of need. Do you? Does anybody outside of fortunate moments?

In fact, none of the meditators I’ve spoken with in the last two years, has engaged in any of the dozens of so called “solutions” they have in their Buddhist bag of intellectual tricks. Ones to soothe moods, feelings, and the CONDTIONED stream of thoughts offerings.

Like small children, we know intellectually what may be done, but our emotions, moods, feelings, and that body awareness proprioception, over rides the intellectual knowing. It’s done so for thousands of years of social conditioning and biological states. And more relative, it’s been happening to me since I can remember.

All of this continues to happen, despite knowing that the stream of thought alone does not reflect reality, it’s about what may be real, an interpretation. Knowing this is important somehow, but hasn’t prevented me from drowning when the stream of thought becomes a torrent based on conditioned separate self identity.

And, I can see more clearly now, that having the means to end suffering, and noticing the state of suffering when it occurs, are vital steps in decreasing suffering. But the times I experience intense compression do not occur constantly, and when they do the intellect becomes overwhelmed quickly, this “mind” that I’m supposed to “control,” steps out the door. The conditioned separated self implodes and forms a container of self, one that needs the passage of TIME to allow it’s processes to re-engage with sense input, breath, and refocus attention back into the present. And away from the separates self. The container of separate self dissolves into presence in these moments.

Talking helps, I was doing that professionally for a while, but now see how incredibly time limited that was, and at the same time, priceless. There’s nothing to replace the beauty of relationship and caring. If other factors are co-occurring.

A simple walk, or some doable movement by the body, and food, water, my experience notes these seem as though they are an integral part of a bigger process. Inclusive of the body, moods, attention, an entire process instead of a simple “well I just won’t think that way” intellectualization of the present experience. (Only those who have managed to “control the mind” have any chance of simply changing the minds current process. I’m still looking for anyone who has acquired that mysterious skill. You know, the one who can be called every nasty thing, get punched in the face, smiles, and offers you a flower. Let me know if you run into the person. I’m getting tired of that stupid image being sold to us as some composite state to attain. It’s a possibility, not a reality.)

The concept “mind” is highly over rated as an agent for change. But the combinations of biology, streaming thoughts, moods, emotions, focus of attention, memory, expression, held in a compassionate way, in a caring relationship, through what ever amount of time is needed for the shift to occur, is the process for change. Or more accurately seems to be my process. The complete process needs to be experienced. For me, there are no instantaneous intellectual tricks that are going to immediately change an experience, but knowing the process is beyond worth.

The shift occurs when attention, supported by the entire system of processes called “Bryan,” shifts the ATTENTION from itself, and into life. The movement could take a minute, it could take years. Some seem to live apart from life constantly.

Note to self: Dear not a self, you are somewhere in a process, you have no idea where, but you do have passion, and at times the grace, to continue. Please understand you have no control over the evolution. Do unto others with all the love and care you can manage, expect nothing in return, enjoy the moments that rise when happiness is, implode once in a while, pay attention, and have gratitude. It’s short list. Maybe that’s what living life is in these moments.

Be. Being is good. Weave with the process, weaving is good.

Bryan Wagner