“Never apologize for what you feel, it’s like being sorry for being real.” – Lil Wayne
He nailed this. Not from Gautama the Buddha, but from the American music scene.
Yesterday was the rarest of days, in terms of being human in a state of being. I was fortunate to have two different conversations that involved self reflections about how I really am. Not what I want to present to the world, only what I actually have to present. How I want to be experienced by others is a far cry from what I have to offer at any moment.
Two people, paring themselves down to the bittersweet reality of who we are in existence. Humans, bittersweet humans in a bittersweet universe attempting to do the best we can. Feelings of being lost, insecure, sad, unsure, a little frightened, and not having much of a clue as to how life will unfold today. And simultaneously, we exist as these magnificent creatures who are able to parley their enormous abilities to explore the universe, and stand on the moon.
Problematic is Conditioned separate personality always wants to present the part about being the brave explorer instead of the frightened struggling cave dweller. It’s how the conditioned personality wants to be seen, knowing how things go, and what to do, and what to say, and somehow convinced that everyone needs to be other than how they are so I can be happy. Except most of the time I’m relating to the world as the frightened cave dweller, not the hero.
I am both, and everything in between. For me, all of us are both the fearless explorer and the cave dweller. And how amazing to find others who are willing to drop the act, the veil, the social masks, and just fall back into a human, in a state of being two things at the same time. Being just how we are in these moments, a little good, a little bad, a little balanced. From this wobbly state we venture forth, every single day. It’s much easier to go through the day knowing I am simultaneously one thing and and also another. Why? Because it’s the actual me unfolding, the total package, the good, bad, and ugly me. I’m no longer pretending to be other than what I actually am.
It’s a relief. Being with another human who is willing to be transparent. To drop the stories, the poses, the want’s and desires, and stand naked. Saying, this is me right now. And it changes the relationship between people when they are presenting exactly how they are in any passing moments. The raw honesty moves people past mundane things and creates an emotion that has yet to be named. Two people realizing that in some strange way, they are standing and looking at life from the exact some place for a few moments.
Hey, it’s just us. Right? No need to pretend we have all the answers or know what to do, or how to fix everything. Sometimes we just sit and cry. It’s good to have someone to sit and cry with sometimes. And laugh. What I find important is our ability to laugh at both the heroic explorer and the cave dweller, really they are both the same silly guy doing the best he can. It’s hilarious. And worth laughing about.
Today will be a good day to be complete, both halves coming together and venturing forth into the day. A bittersweet person flowing in the bittersweet stream of an unfolding universe…………..
Bryan Wagner
Visions of a People's Dharma 