“Stop. Stop everything. Then you will realize you are the freedom you’ve been searching for.” H.W.L. Poonja
Stopping is weird. I have been fascinated by the idea of being in a state of free fall. Where there is no attachment, not done purposefully by ego, not under the statement “I am unattached.” But under the statement, “I can’t attach and own anything, feeling, or thought.” I never could, that’s only a story I tell myself. That story of superior beings in control of their thoughts and emotions we seem so fond of and keep reinventing.
Unattached we are free to respond to what rises. Because I’m no longer listening to what I should do according to what all the so called “wise guys” have said over the decades. “Don’t think bad thoughts” they say, don’t have those bad feelings, be happy. Be happy all the time just because you feel like it, right? (People who are happy all the time scare me. Regardless of whether they are wearing some costume or not.)
Yesterday I experienced something that tore into my heart. I won’t go into details, it involved the mindless death of some young birds. And I was so aware, of the sadness, the rending, the heaviness of living on a monstrous planet, and living in the killing fields of planet earth. And no matter what you want to believe we live in bloody killing fields. We all do, regardless of your stories. It’s the bitter of the bittersweet. We all kill and eat each other to survive on this planet, it’s part of how we are all woven together. If you think your spiritual, start there when you talk about compassion and caring. How am I going to remain compassionate and caring while living my life in the killing fields?
I quickly tried the Buddhist stuff. Redirecting, playing the stupid game of trying to see the bigger picture. Or my all time favorite Buddhist advice, just don’t have those thoughts, have happy thoughts. “How you think is how your life will be” the men and women with bald heads and robes pronounce. Usually with a smile, to prove that they do indeed think happy thoughts, while charging you the big bucks to tell you that. Wow. Nirvana and equanimity, if you can afford it. (I have images of smiling bald men in robes holding mala’s and trying to sell me a new car, a food processor, and life insurance. Or happiness if only I would think happy thoughts!)
I don’t control what appears in my streaming thoughts. EVER. I don’t control “emotions” nor do I care to attempt to do so. I don’t control when my heart aches over dead fledglings. I don’t control the brief moments of absolute vicious hatred that sparked for a second, hoping that the assholes who committed this atrocity die the same way. I don’t have a choice of what appears in the image stream that accompanies the stream of verbal thoughts. I’m sick and tired of all the lame belief systems that claim “How you think is how you are.” Give me a break.
I love meditation but I’m not much of a Buddhist type meditator. You know, one of those cool calm collected people who never act like anything bothers them. Mostly in front of other people. When they’re alone they throw fits and spray spit as they spin around, pissed off or super sad about something. You just need to hang around them longer if you haven’t seen the humanity we all carry. I suspect we all do that at times, act out. Even the Deli Lama guy. (It’s my blog, I’ll spell things how I want!)
I had no success with all the spiritual memes, including Byron Katies, “Is it true, do you know it’s true?” YES I KNOW IT’s TRUE, MY HEART FEELS LIKE IT’s ENCASED IN CEMENT.
I cried. And felt intensely bad. And talked it over with Carol. Who is kind and willing to commune with, well, me. And I knew the horrible feeling and bitterness would pass, even as tears fell. I said that much, this will change. But I still had to pay the momentary price, the cost of being human in a bittersweet world. There are no spiritual tricks to change reality or my responses and reactions to reality. You sit through it and try to remember it changes. Until it does.
Proof. See the featured Mom duck and her babies. This also occurred within the same two hour period. It changed, like I said earlier.
So, minutes later by the river, as though the universe was evening the field, there were 3 baby duck mama’s complete with baby ducks. And my heart smiled. And there was a release of sorts, a knowing that I don’t control the unfolding, nor do I control any of the “How I Am” during any experience. When I don’t try to control, I end up being genuine. And since life will never be anything else but the bittersweet, I might as well be genuine.
And it’s all temporary. Tears, smiles, tears, smiles, tears, smiles. Life unfolding, day after day, year after year. Have the feelings as deeply as possible, remember, all things rise and fall. Remember, life keeps unfolding relentlessly, changing and shifting.
Welcome, to the Bittersweet.
Bryan Wagner
Visions of a People's Dharma 