“Genuine people are rare, if you can’t find one, be one.” – Unknown
It’s a quandary for me, the whole idea of being genuine with myself and others. Genuine is the opposite of fake. It’s referring to reality and being exactly how we may be in the moment. In the world of meditation, the idea of being genuine gets vague. And is often replaced by the proverbial smiley face. A lot of times in social situations the whole meditative experience seems to unfold outside of anything genuine. Because in my conditioned state, I believe I must be compassionate, kind, and loving, even when I’m angry, anxious, unhappy, or deeply sad. And, if I’m brave enough to actual tell someone I’m angry in a meditation environment, they always come back with some stupid Buddhist saying meant to pacify anger and subtly point out what a failed meditator I am for being angry. “The Buddha said,” they say. And entertain me with memes.
There’s always the trusty smiley face, the one you learn as a child. It’s not really a face, it’s an attitude. Not very genuine. Not at all. (In some cases screw genuine, it’s about my systems survival.
I don’t want to go. I don’t want to be here. This or that might happen. Endless little stories and adventures play out far before I arrive. What if this? What if that? What if they? This would be me on the way, listening to ego whine on about this current trip to social misery I’ve undertaken.
But upon arrival things change. And my social autopilot appears, the one I crafted as a child. And the social me starts to manifest. I find someone to hide with. Usually some other non-genuine person sitting in a dark corner somewhere, biding time until the witching hour arrives and we can escape. Socializing usually means seeking out other anti social people to be social with, and sometimes you can even turn the conversation to the topic of being anti-social and how much you don’t want to be there. Those are really good times, when you find a collaborator like that, really peak moments in a genuinely non-genuine social life. Also notice that you and that person are being ENTIRELY GENUINE and a little bit happy in your misery, isn’t that being genuine?
Listening is a good way to appear genuine. It’s a cross between being a manikin and a dog watching someone with a treat. With that kind of focus you have to accept me, right? But inside, I have thoughts of a comfy book, and a quiet atmosphere. And sometimes unkind evil thoughts about how boring and tedious you are. (Never tell anyone if you think that way, they will label you weird, missing the fact that you’re being genuine. Complicated, isn’t it?)
So if I was to be totally genuine when you ask how I am, it would be, “I’d rather not be here talking to you, so far you’re really tedious. I’d rather be home with a book or a stupid Netflix movie.” That’s it. I need to be genuine with these people. NO, I’ll say, I don’t want to be here, I argued with myself all the way here and almost turned around when I got on your street. I don’t even really like you, but feel like I have to be here.
Genuine, Right?
Hide how you are said the adults. No one wants to see you be sad or depressed. Smile. Be happy. Fake it till you make it. “Turn that frown upside down,” my mom’s mom would say. I didn’t like her much. I still don’t.
That’s what I’m doing. My smiley face is faking it till I make it. But that doesn’t ring very genuine does it? Faking being genuine in the hopes that the genuine me will notice and show up and replace the fake genuine one, or something like that.
What to do? Now I just tell people my wobble status. “How are you?, they ask. “I feel pretty balanced, right now, thanks”, may be the answer. Or, “I feel” wobbly. It seems better somehow. To just say how I feel and not attempt to put on a face. And usually it’s OK right? Because deep down inside everyone else feels the same way.
Everyone has a version of the quiet space with a book or Netflix.
Lately I’ve been noticing that at 73 and 3/4, I don’t believe that part of me is going to change. I’m not going to get excited with anticipation at the next social event and wear a big smiley face. I’ll either be neutral, or more likely a little resistant. I’ll find someone to hide with, and commiserate.
But, I’ll also be really genuine. Go figure.
A day of wonders, of highs and lows, and knowing I’m not alone.
Bryan Wagner