“When I let go of what I am, I become who I might be.” – Lao Tzu
Fascinating. The theory being, when “I”, the Narcissistic Conditioned Separate Personality, lets go of the Narcissistic Conditioned Personality, it will become something else. Right, another Narcissistic Conditioned Separate Personality, only this one’s disguised, to fool me and distract me from it. Lots of times it disguises itself as a wonderful spiritual being, a meditator on the Buddha’s path.
But it’s always the Narcissistic Conditioned Separate Personality who meditates, and is clever and sneaky when it comes to getting it’s way, so one must be careful. Often in the world of meditation, the conditioned separate personality, becomes a meditator. Ego on the cushion.
I have noticed the conditioned self is attracted to being in the center. It craves attention. So, I may find myself contemplating how I need to become a better person, a kind and compassionate person. I find the Buddha, and read the Buddha’s Hagiography which is really just advertising for a raggedy old spiritual system, and decide I need to be a better mindful person. I need to abandon that nasty old conditioned separate personality and become enlightened. Which is really just another way to be in the center of attention.
Conditioned Separate Personality supports this fully. See, the narcissistic personality is really interested in being a spiffy meditator and learning about Buddhism, it sees it as a way to gain attention.
So conditioned ego runs out and joins a Sangha, shaves it’s head, learns some words in Pali, and buys all the right fashionable accessories. Learns to sit and meditate. Learns key phrases and responses so it looks spiritual. Learns to not say you, but I and we. Reads a lot of books, has a lot of debates. Learns to govern it’s reactive nature, and appear externally balanced.
But for conditioned separate personality there is always a down side. The down side is always other separate conditioned personalities. Who also want to be in the center of attention, or at least gain some minimal approval somehow. And want to have answers, and be right, and want to be seen as someone significant and cared for, at least a little. And, want to be right all the time. Humans want to be right all the time, it’s genetic. There’s no genetic support for being wrong all the time.
Letting go of what I am sounds like such wise advice, until you realize that for thousands of years no one has been able to articulate how letting oneself go is accomplished. Lots of words about how cool it is when we accomplish it, like anyone knows, but nothing about how to do it. Nada. Speak up, oh great Gurus! Show us how, instead of rambling on about how cool it is to arrive. How can “I” say goodbye to “I” while it still stays an “I”? I try to remember that “I” is the default operating system that engages whenever it’s not in direct attention.
You see, ego personality, the thing we think we are, desires to exist, and will do what’s necessary to maintain existence. And cleverly morphs into whatever variation on a theme it needs to become in order to remain in the center of our own attention. A meditator, a saint, the Dali Lama, or my favorite form of narcissistic self, a spiritual teacher.
Boy, that one’s going to get me in some hot water, all the conditioned egos operating under the title “spiritual teacher” might get upset. Ego does that when it’s threatened. But social conditioning is like a character in a mystery novel, one who keeps changing identities AT WILL, always staying ahead of the detective. (That genuine us, that of a human, in a state of being, is the quintessential detective, and is always seeking itself, just like conditioned separate self is always trying to maintain itself.)
But conditioned separate personality is like a greased pig who is also an academy award winner with Oscar’s under it’s belt. Attempting to maintain balance means to recognize the newest role ego adopts, see it for what it is, watch it change over time, and never forget it will seek out a new role. “Oh no, I can’t be a this anymore, hmm, now I will be a that.” Much better than a “this.”
Let’s see, how will I gain mine and others attention today, muses ego. It’s always musing. Can I be a victim? A hero? A saint? Me, me, I, I.
Anther day unfolds, roles develop, the “I” works to see these roles clearly, seeing changes them, and then we can watch for the next role to emerge, it always does.
Hold today for the precious thing it is and can be.
Bryan Wagner