Walking on Nothing at All

“Be as unsure as possible, know nothing, see conclusions come and go, swim in your fear, and then go stand in the light of the Great Eastern Sun and breathe. Do you see this? Do you see?” – Elder of the Fox People

I realized the other day that I finally comprehend freefall. I had understood it intellectually. That place where where those who explore the essence of being human always seem to arrive. It took the last few years for that to manifest into a knowing instead of understanding. A lot of emotional pain and suffering, loss, anger, anxiety, fear, and feelings of being loved, wanted, and held, in a never ending loop. And I can hold none of it except as memory, all the drama, joy, tears and pain, all folded into a softer version of reality.

It took all that for me to see the perspective of freefalling clearly. That things simply are. That my piece of this complex puzzle called life is never going to be resolved, the fear isn’t going away, unease returns, I get scared, things shift. then attention drifts to other things and I’m OK. Over and over.

I get it. There’s no attitude, no state, and no “mindset” that’s going to change the freefall, not place of refuge from fear and love, anxiety and peace, or equanimity. I am a reactive conditioned being, I am able to be compassionate by choice, I am fragile and strong, wise and foolish, unhappy and happy, dry and moist, a friend and lover, a nightmare, a confusion lost among the stars. I live in freefall, I live in two worlds, I reach out and withdraw, I am this now and that later, I am not an intellectual extract, and not the body. I am alive and dead, I have lived forever, and am just starting out.

I laugh, amused at whatever was going to “figure out” that hot mess. At Whatever was going to “straighten that out.” I would “become” something that the “mind” had chosen to become. A this or a that, a thing, better than the only thing that can be in these moments.

I wanted to be a Human, Being. And I already was.

Embrace this today.

Bryan Wagner